I got home from Christmas shopping this afternoon, and a feeling settled on me. It was a tense feeling, a feeling that had something to do with the weather and something to do with the time of day. I could feel my shoulders hitching upwards and my breath coming a little shallower. I felt like I had to go and do something, but at the same time I didn't think it was something that could be done, and I couldn't figure out what it was.
Then it hit me. I wanted to watch Twilight. I really, really wanted to watch a Twilight movie.
I don't usually like to admit to being a Twilight fan. I mean, I really should know better. Twilight is not edifying fantasy; it's blatant escapism, and I was taught to believe that there's no excuse for that.
I remember reading an article by C.S. Lewis (or maybe it was Tolkein; I don't remember) justifying the appreciation of fantasy. He said that there are two kinds of escaping in fantasy literature. The healthy kind enables you to get out of the world for a minute and see it as it ought to be so you can reorient yourself and go back in. This kind of fantasy has epic conflict and great sacrifice. The other kind of fantasy is wish fulfillment, a thrilling kind of pie-in-the-sky imago-emotional morphine that makes you think "why don't I have that?", and Twilight is definitely of this latter kind. Not healthy. Plus it's written for junior high kids, and I'm nearly 30.
But I can't help it.
I'm not a blatant Twi-hard. I don't have any t-shirts that say "I kissed a vampire, and I liked it" or facebook flare that says "Real men sparkle." I've never been to Forks. I didn't see movies one or two in the theater, and I'm not sure I'm looking forward to movie four with great anticipation.
Still, there are moments or even days when I feel an almost overwhelming pressure to see something Twilightish, when I log onto the Internet and go hunting for a Twilight headline just to get that "hit of my drug supply" (if you're a twi-hard, you'll get that reference), when I open my kindle and upload one of the novels before sending it back to the archives unread. I guess that makes me a guilty twi-hard. Why not just give in and indulge, you say. Haven't you ever noticed that indulging some cravings only makes them stronger?
It seems like I always get "twilight" cravings when Seth works a long, long, long day or when he's getting ready to leave, and it just so happens that he's leaving soon. It probably doesn't help that "Eclipse" will be coming out on DVD next week, and the ads and headlines have been everywhere.
I especially liked the ad for Eclipse gum. Those are two franchises I would not have put together.
Mom says I should purge my brain with some good, wholesome fantasy like Narnia or Lord Of The Rings. Boogaloo loves Narnia, but I'm convinced LOTR would be too much for her. In fact, I haven't watched LOTR or Indiana Jones or Star Wars since she started taking an interest in movies.
That might be part of the problem. We've watched VeggieTales, Mary Poppins, Cars, and The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe so many times that Boogaloo and I can recite their dialogues together. It's been so long since I've watched a grown-up movie that when I think about the movies I'd like to watch, I slide all the way down the spectrum into guilty pleasure, even though the only way the Twilight films heretodate can qualify as an grown-up movies is the fact that I'm a grown-up and I want to watch them.
Another part of the problem might be that Seth's departures always make me feel like a petulant teenager who needs to be protected and consoled, and hey, misery loves company. Bella Swan could really be up there with Scarlet O'Hara as far as self-centered naratives are concerned, and sometimes it feels good to listen to her complain and watch her manipulate the people she should be listening to. (She doesn't listen. Have you noticed that? She never intends to change her mind. It's with the greatest reluctance that she acknowledges that someone else might have a point. She never lets herself be influenced by anyone!)
But that's exactly why I don't indulge myself very often. There are some thoughts that don't need reinforcement, however realistic or common to man they might be. The kind of friends you keep and the kind of books you read will affect the way you think. I have learned part of the secret to contentment, and it is keeping the imago-emotional morphine to a minimum.
3 comments:
I must admit though, it does feel really good to indulge in it. LOL...but I was pretty sure you went to see New Moon with us last year in Silverton.
Oh, look. Now you're making my almost 30 something self feel guilty for watching Twilight and enjoying it. Almost. I still indulge. I can't help it I'm weak! LoL!
Though, I really like your comparison of Bella and Scarlet. So insightful!
Have you seen Nicholas Nickleby, Jen? I know, it's a definite change of subject, but I watched it this weekend and thought it a great film. It's not fantasy, but it's engaging. Also, have you seen the Librarian series? They're kind of Indiana Jones-ish, but more light-hearted.(and more cheesy) :) Still fun though.
I understand your struggle, I struggle with some of the same things myself (not with Twilight, but other escapes). If it's going to make your mind go in directions it shouldn't, then don't even go there. Playing with the idea only makes it worse, and you can fool yourself into thinking you can handle it when you shouldn't try. That's at least what I've had in my experience. Maybe try and do something more active - drawing, or painting, something relaxing that occupies your mind and hands.
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