We're happy again.
After a deep breath and an excellent sermon at church, I can tell you that things are picking up since my last post. Annika is healing, and I haven't forgotten to do anything absolutely or even marginally essential. Actually, apart from the stress of sudden injuries and the frustration of figuring out how to organize my life without my husband in it, I'm doing pretty well. Fatigued, yes, but no tears. I might just be successfully hiding from his absence in my mind, but I'm more inclined to say that God is supporting me through the prayers of my friends and family, so thank you. Your prayers make a world of difference.
We have had gorgeous weather the last few days. The clouds seem to be coming back in now, so I guess I can expect more rain soon, but we had fun while it lasted. The air was so warm that I mowed the lawn and hung laundry on the line. Boogaloo got to play with the neighbors, and we went to the park today and played on the slide.
She is also learning to ride her "bike" (pictured below). She hasn't quite figured out where to put her feet, but she has the general idea of forward motion. We took it to the park today, and she got so jealous when friend Isi tried to ride it. I can see that we're going to have to arrange more opportunities for her to play with kids her own age so we can get this idea of sharing into her experience.
Today, Pastor Dave preached on the book of James, chapter 1 in light of 2 Corinthians 3: 3-6. The gist of what he said was that the goal of the Christian life is to become a mature Christian so in tune with the will and approval of God that the externals and internals that would tempt us no longer move us. The way we become mature is through perseverance. In other words, we come to a tempting circumstance, we ask God what we should do, we get an answer (because God gives wisdom freely and without reproach), and then we DO what He said. Perserverance lies in sticking to what God said until the tempting circumstance has passed instead of giving in halfway through.
I don't know about you, but that's where I have my difficulty. I can spot the temptation easily enough because I'm very familiar with it, and I'm usually pretty clear on how God wants me to respond to it because he always asks for the same thing. But there's this little glitch in my brain that says, "But these are special circumstances" or "It's just a test, so this isn't really sinning" or "You've been doing this so long that it's really more a part of your personality than an actual sin," and I give up on my good intentions or my personal disciplines before I can really get rolling. No perseverance, no maturity. I end up getting shaped by the world instead of the other way around.
Some of my friends will read this and say, "Really, Jenn, what's your greatest vice? Too much chocolate before you go to bed?" To which I say, small sins can be just as destructive as big ones, and internal sins like attitudes are the quickest road to hell. Does it really matter what the sin is if it keeps me from maturity?
My biggest vice is probably discontentment, which, contrary to what society would have you believe, is a sin on the level of rebellion. The circumstances in front of me are given to me by God who only gives GOOD gifts, so they must be for my benefit. That's not a platitude; that's a fact. I like to imagine myself away from my reality. Sometimes I'm reaching for a way to express truths that can't be fathomed in mundane life, but most of the time, I'm just discontent with myself, with my life, with my sphere of influence. I'm an escapist. How unReformed, how unDordtish, how unworthy of a student of true Christian fantasy is that? :) I could make excuse and say that my life is emotionally stressful, but really, whose isn't? I like to put unreasonable expectations on my circumstances, and by extrapolation God, and then zip off into my own little world when my expectations aren't met. Never mind how sinful. How childish.
Pastor Dave said that the trials that we are to consider pure joy are internal trials. The trial doesn't lie in the fact that we've lost a job or a foot or a husband (temporarily). The trial lies in how we respond to it. Our character is tested and revealed by the attitude and action in our response. We get to see all the little bumps and obstacles that our broken beings have put in the way of progress toward maturity. That's where perserverance comes in. We have to 1) continue to see the situation as God sees it, and 2) continue to do what God wants us to do. I respectfully submit that if you don't know how hard that is, then you haven't really tried or you haven't tackled your biggest vices yet.
I found the sermon bolstering in some of the struggles I've been facing, so I thought I would pass it on. It sort of slapped me in the face and said, "You've been compromising, kiddo. It's time to stop. You're going to need everything you have to be the wife and mother you need to be over these next few months. You can't afford to slip away into murky nether realms." Taming this inner tide isn't going to be easy. But God gives us competence that we wouldn't otherwise have (2 Cor. 3:5), and the safety net of grace when we have neither the wisdom nor the perseverance (1 John 1:9), and the road will eventually be clear in front of me. That's worthy of a big smile. I think I'll post one.
Love to you all. Good night.
She really loves my hat and her Sunday shoes. 