Pondering age.

I'm going to be twenty-seven tomorrow. For the first time in my life, thirty is in sight. I can hardly believe it! I can remember, not so long ago, when thirty seemed like an impossibility, when nothing beyond twenty-one seemed a feasible age for any person of action and chharacter development (I was thinking in terms of my fictional characters; now you know why I haven't bothered really writing anything yet), and now I'm going to be twenty-seven, an arm's reach from thirty. How did this happen? I don't feel old (which is reasonable because neither 27 nor 30 are remotely old), but I don't remember getting to this age. I feel like there should have been more time in there somewhere.

I suppose that in my mind I'm still hovering around twenty-two. I don't feel wise enough to be twenty-seven. I feel like I'm behind development curve. A weeke ago, I thought a twenty-seven-year-old should be much more assured, experienced, and level-headed than I am. I thought nothing could phase a twenty-seven-year-old. A twenty-seven-year-old would be calm, unflappable, and firmly established in all the areas of life that she has chosen to establish herself in. A twenty-seven-year-old would be a grown up and never giddy, silly, inconsistent, or confused. A twenty-seven-year-old would always exist in that clarity of mind that has that revelatory "aaahhh" feeling about it, like the sun breaking through the clouds in a movie.

Somehow, I don't feel like I qualify.

On the other hand, I am a mom and a good one so far. I am a military wife. I have willingly endured separations, frustrations, and responsibilities that many women won't know.

I have learned that God doesn't weigh out his provision based on my piety and that it really is good to obey the Lord.

I have learned the value of submission to my husband, to instruction, and to circumstances beyond my control.

I have learned that I don't know everything, but that what I do know is solid enough to build on.

I have learned the limitations of my spheres of influence and consequently that there is a time for self-assertion and a time to stand back and and wait for God to bring persons, hopes, and circumstances around.

I have learned that I don't have to imitate or envy the successful if their success is in something foreign to my nature. I have learned to be more comfortable with myself.

I have learned that God really doesn't need me to manage my own salvation. He's got it in his hands.

I have learned that it is possible to love someone so much that I would die for her without a second thought.

And I have learned that even though I will forget these truths from time to time, that doesn't mean they go away or cease to exist. The reality of God is a great solid thing at our backs and over our heads and beneath our feet, and we make a comic picture protesting that it must not exist because we can't catch it with flailing hands or see it with our eyes covered.

A big part of growing up is learning that life isn't like you imagined it to be when you were a child. I am not what I thought a twenty-seven-year-old would be, but I am what I should be. I'm not talking about disillusionment. I'm talking about relief. Life is better than I expected.